i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
