So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
