her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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