Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
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