my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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