We won't sleep together?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
