you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
