Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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