there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
