Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
