He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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