I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
