The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
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