I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
