you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
