Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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