Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
