I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
