I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
