3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
