I wish I only lived at night.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
