i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Randomize
