so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
