im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
