is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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