so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
