i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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