gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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