craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
