I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
