Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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