A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
