I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize