My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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