Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
