i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
