Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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