i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
