im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
