Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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