im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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