Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
