I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's never too late to be topless.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
