these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
