ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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