i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
There's always time for handjobs
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
