I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
