last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You took a bar mat shot.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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