I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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