I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
