I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
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