Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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