I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
