1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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