You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize