I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My cat gives me a boner
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
