It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
