He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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