hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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