Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
