spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
