if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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